Overwhelm

On the risk of sounding a bit like I’m whining, my topic this week is overwhelm. I realize that I live a privileged existence here in a first world country, but despite that I still suffer occasionally from overwhelm. This past weekend I was truly under the weather on Sunday. I’m not sure if I caught a stomach bug or if it was the Boston Crème doughnut I ate on Saturday (bakery to remain unnamed), but I felt a bit like death warmed over. Luckily my husband had the day off and was able to pitch in and help out despite also being pretty tired from his six-day work week. On Monday morning I felt somewhat better, and I managed to get out of bed at a reasonable hour. I even wrote my Morning Pages. In my stream of consciousness writing, I found myself mentally sorting through all the projects, paperwork, and plans, that I have going. 

 

Around 7:30am I transitioned to getting the kids up and fed. My father very sweetly stopped by a little after 8am to check on me to see how I was doing. It’s fairly standard for us to check in around that time in the morning to discuss our plans for the day, so it wasn’t as if his visit was unexpected. He began to talk about our small herd of cattle that are living on a neighbor’s farm. The plan is to move most of them here soon, so that said neighbor can start his own herd again. We have amazing friends who are helping us out with this project, so I don’t actually have much firsthand involvement. Regardless, it suddenly felt like one more project was being piled on, and I had missed a deadline already. It was sort of like those recurring nightmares I have where I show up to a mathematics class at university and all the homework assignments are due at end of term the next day, but I haven’t completed any. And it wasn’t a project that I started or had any say or decision-making power about really. Anxiety welled up.

 

I burst into tears. 

 

My poor dad came over and gave me a hug. He had zero idea of what I’d already been mentally juggling in that moment, and he’s got quite a few things on his own plate. We’re both still reeling from the loss of my mom to cancer complications last July. Her birthday is at the end of this month. Throughout the course of the day and several additional chats, I started to feel better bit by bit. Several things helped me, and now on Tuesday I feel like I *may* actually be able to tackle what I would like to achieve this season on the homestead and in my life. I think in many respects the anxiety and overwhelm came in no small part from feeling like I have projects to complete in support of others and that I am sometimes asked to de-prioritize the projects that are near and dear to my heart. When I feel overwhelmed, the suggestion often offered is to do less in the garden or to not worry so much about making my artwork. These aren’t actual solutions, but I’ll talk a bit about that in my next post. For now, I’m being patient with myself and remembering to chip away at my goals “bird by bird,” as Anne Lamott put it. I’ve sussed out a few things that help me to avoid or cope with overwhelm, so I’ll share those with you next time.

 

Be well. Be blessed. And remember to be patient with yourself.   

About this time each year...

So this year it's not August - we're nearly into November, and I'm writing a blog entry. So much changes from year to year despite the things that stay the same. Mom died back in July just days after sending a rather upbeat email update to the family about her chemo and immunotherapy treatments. She had decided to fight, to ask for a little more time - six months to a year. She made it a couple of months. 

There's nothing poetic about death. My mind searches for her pulling in the drive in the grey, well-worn HHR. I'm struck by a pang of expecting when I walk into my folks' living room and see her purse and her things just slightly out of place from where she left them. Search as I might, death has not given me any great words or sentiments to put into print, to share with the world in order to help others in the same state of profound loss. It just is. It's just a gap - a void - a feeling that I wish she'd just come home already. I keep thinking of things that I'd been meaning to ask her. 

The Benefits of Saying “no”

The boys head out to "dig coal"
(Alternate title: The boys head out to get
chased by "evil" geese)

Sometimes saying “no” is exactly the correct thing to say to your children. It is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to say to them, particularly when they pester and beg and pull out every trick from their “Being a kid” manual. It’s that sneaky book that children memorized before they were even born. You know the one - that one that we never receive a copy of for navigating this whole parenting experiment. Recently I’ve had the chance to see when saying “no” to my kids can be for their and my benefit.

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with kiddo number three, and this pregnancy is not nearly as friendly as my first two. The summer has been sweltering AND rainy AND stressful. The garden is a forest of weeds. It has been one of THOSE summers. There have been days where, despite knowing what I ought to do as a mother for my children, I just feel like curling up and binge watching Poldark while they watch PBS Kids or Craig of the Creek. It has not been my finest hour.

Within the past few weeks I’ve been trying a new tactic with my boys. It hasn’t been easy, but I think it’s helping us to transition to a healthier routine. A while back I created an activities chart. The boys must complete their tasks BEFORE they are allowed to use screens – no TV, Xbox, Nintendo Switch, or tablet, until the list is completed.

This chart has not made me popular with
the boys, but they are being much friendlier
and less insistant on screen time
since we started using it.

Most days they’ve continued to ask for screens first thing in the morning and repeatedly during the day, but I’ve stuck to my decision and said “no.” In the past few days, they’ve finally, FINALLY stopped asking first thing for TV. Today they even went outside to play for a bit before breakfast. Enough tasks on the list has translated to more time playing and interacting and less time staring at screens. They often do not complete all of their tasks until 4pm or later. Since all screens are off for family dinner, they are self-limiting their screen time to 1-2 hours maximum.*

Homework: My 3yo works on a dry-erase
Early Learning book tracing and doodling

Homework: My soon-to-be 3rd grader works
on pages in Brain Quest or packets that his
2nd grade teachers sent home for the summer

We’re fighting less, and I’m finding time for my own projects - tending the garden and writing Morning Pages and this blog - while they work on their activities list. I feel less overwhelmed and have more time to get things done. They are playing together and collaborating on silly, creative projects (like “digging for coal or treasure” and puppet shows), and their attitude has greatly improved. They’re talking back and rolling their eyes less and are volunteering to help out more. The change has been painfully slow at times, but I think we’re finally seeing progress.

Morning Pages: This is my current notebook
for writing each morning. I try to squeeze in 3
pages before the day begins. 

It’s easy to say “no” to our kids when they are about to step into a dangerous situation – a hot pan on the stove, a busy parking lot. When it’s something that can seem innocuous like using screens, it can be A LOT more difficult. We’re still not perfectly within the latest recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, but we’re getting closer. If you’re struggling with this topic at home, you are NOT alone. It can take a lot more effort to say “no,” but kids benefit from face-to-face interactions, physical activity, feeling like they’re an important contributor to the family unit, and they even get better sleep at night when we say “no” to unlimited, mindless screen time and “yes” to healthy activities.  

*I allow them up to 30 minutes of video game time daily and then TV or a movie. Some days they play video games longer if they’re sharing well or are playing educational games, but generally I try to limit it.

For more info:

American Academy of Pediatrics

More on Morning Pages: 

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron