The Party's Over

My house is a disaster area.

The burnables bin and compost bowl are overflowing. The recyclables bin is full, even though I took the recyclables just two days ago. There are bits of paper and packaging all over the living room. I continue to find half empty soda cans, water bottles, smudges of blue icing, and dirty napkins, around the house, on the porch, out by the grill. And my children are still high on a total sugar overdose.

I honestly couldn’t be happier.

We just had a gathering to celebrate the end of summer and for my oldest son’s 8^th birthday. While we missed some friends and family who couldn’t make it for various reasons, it was delightful to spend time with those who were able to come. I’ve even reached out to a few who couldn’t make it to make plans for another get together sometime soon. There were food and drink and laughter in abundance. I felt truly connected with people I love for the first time in a long time.

When I first uninstalled Facebook and social media apps from my phone, I feared that I would be disconnected, that I would miss out on important milestones from my friends, family, and former colleagues. I felt a tug to check my phone regularly despite not having the apps to click.

Since uninstalling them, I’ve come to realize something critical to my well-being. When I had constant access and “connection” I felt less connected with people and a near constant level of stress. There was a nagging portion of my brain worrying about what people might be saying or debating, arguments that might be occurring, important business that I might miss. This took me away from my children, away from my husband and parents, and away from the homestead, in ways I failed to recognize.

On Saturday during our party, I was able to enjoy myself and enjoy our guests fully for the first time since we started throwing these shindigs about seven years ago. I wasn’t worried about taking photos and videos to post online. I wasn’t distracted pondering strange comments or interactions with people I knew decades ago. I wasn’t overwhelmed by the happy stress of hosting due to the underlying toxic stress from social media. The house may be a mess, the party over, but I am deeply content and certain that I’m getting a fresh start on a brave new take on life.

Groceries for the big day. I'm finding it easier at WM
to use the self check-out with my reusable grocery bags.

A friend commissioned a tres leches cake from
the Guatemalan pasteleria down in N. Phila.

Sometimes when you're turning 8, you just have
to have a piñata shaped like a game controller.

Nothing says happy birthday like beating on a
shaped paper something until candy falls out.
Yay for piñatas!!!

Special thanks: 

• to all our friends and family who made this gathering so amazing!
• to our Canton and Tracylandia family for making the trip down/over/up!
• to my pal A.N. for singing the piñata song, because I STILL don't know it!
• to my big brother, my husband, and T.E. for photos and videos - I was having too much fun to take pictures!
• a nuestro amigo A.H. por haber traido el pastel tan hermoso y delicioso!!!

The Benefits of Saying “no”

The boys head out to "dig coal"
(Alternate title: The boys head out to get
chased by "evil" geese)

Sometimes saying “no” is exactly the correct thing to say to your children. It is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to say to them, particularly when they pester and beg and pull out every trick from their “Being a kid” manual. It’s that sneaky book that children memorized before they were even born. You know the one - that one that we never receive a copy of for navigating this whole parenting experiment. Recently I’ve had the chance to see when saying “no” to my kids can be for their and my benefit.

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with kiddo number three, and this pregnancy is not nearly as friendly as my first two. The summer has been sweltering AND rainy AND stressful. The garden is a forest of weeds. It has been one of THOSE summers. There have been days where, despite knowing what I ought to do as a mother for my children, I just feel like curling up and binge watching Poldark while they watch PBS Kids or Craig of the Creek. It has not been my finest hour.

Within the past few weeks I’ve been trying a new tactic with my boys. It hasn’t been easy, but I think it’s helping us to transition to a healthier routine. A while back I created an activities chart. The boys must complete their tasks BEFORE they are allowed to use screens – no TV, Xbox, Nintendo Switch, or tablet, until the list is completed.

This chart has not made me popular with
the boys, but they are being much friendlier
and less insistant on screen time
since we started using it.

Most days they’ve continued to ask for screens first thing in the morning and repeatedly during the day, but I’ve stuck to my decision and said “no.” In the past few days, they’ve finally, FINALLY stopped asking first thing for TV. Today they even went outside to play for a bit before breakfast. Enough tasks on the list has translated to more time playing and interacting and less time staring at screens. They often do not complete all of their tasks until 4pm or later. Since all screens are off for family dinner, they are self-limiting their screen time to 1-2 hours maximum.*

Homework: My 3yo works on a dry-erase
Early Learning book tracing and doodling

Homework: My soon-to-be 3rd grader works
on pages in Brain Quest or packets that his
2nd grade teachers sent home for the summer

We’re fighting less, and I’m finding time for my own projects - tending the garden and writing Morning Pages and this blog - while they work on their activities list. I feel less overwhelmed and have more time to get things done. They are playing together and collaborating on silly, creative projects (like “digging for coal or treasure” and puppet shows), and their attitude has greatly improved. They’re talking back and rolling their eyes less and are volunteering to help out more. The change has been painfully slow at times, but I think we’re finally seeing progress.

Morning Pages: This is my current notebook
for writing each morning. I try to squeeze in 3
pages before the day begins. 

It’s easy to say “no” to our kids when they are about to step into a dangerous situation – a hot pan on the stove, a busy parking lot. When it’s something that can seem innocuous like using screens, it can be A LOT more difficult. We’re still not perfectly within the latest recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, but we’re getting closer. If you’re struggling with this topic at home, you are NOT alone. It can take a lot more effort to say “no,” but kids benefit from face-to-face interactions, physical activity, feeling like they’re an important contributor to the family unit, and they even get better sleep at night when we say “no” to unlimited, mindless screen time and “yes” to healthy activities.  

*I allow them up to 30 minutes of video game time daily and then TV or a movie. Some days they play video games longer if they’re sharing well or are playing educational games, but generally I try to limit it.

For more info:

American Academy of Pediatrics

More on Morning Pages: 

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron