I feel guilty when...

This post goes out to other creative mothers. 
Whether you paint or craft, quilt, sew, or sculpt – this post is for you.  

Within the past few years, I’ve decided to truly dedicate time to making my artwork. At the moment it’s taking the form of acrylic paintings. The paints I’m using, with the exception of three recently purchased tubes of Golden Acrylics, are student paints I received as gifts a LONG time ago. When I really got back into making art, my daughter was a newborn. I would literally sit at a little desk area in our kitchen nursing her and draw or paint in the evening after our two boys were in bed. So, I’m a beginner with some serious time and material constraints. 

This morning while washing dishes, simmering a homestead smoked ham to roast later, waiting for a load of baby clothes to finish in the washer to transfer to the dryer, and preparing lunch for my three kids, I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I wasn’t in the studio. I felt guilty that I hadn’t written my Morning Pages. I felt guilty that I wasn’t out preparing the garden beds or purchasing our starter plants from the nursery. I felt guilty that the clean laundry wasn’t yet folded and put away. I felt guilty that I wasn’t playing with or reading to my kids. I felt guilty that areas of my house are cluttered and need cleaning. I was doing THREE things at once, and I still felt guilty. 

 

Honestly, I believe this is a little ridiculous. 

 

Yes, there are days when I sit on my butt and watch old shows online for an hour or two. Some days we order in food, and my daughter and I *may* be eating box mac n’ cheese as I’m typing this, but for the most part, I prepare homecooked meals, grow/raise a lot of our own food, and I make time for my creative endeavors which may even be developing into a small business. The house isn’t filthy, if a bit untidy. The children are fed and bathed, educated and entertained. Most of the time they have on clean clothes. 

 

If you’re like me, weighed down by the expectations, societal or personal, take a minute. Just, take a minute and breathe in deeply. Close your eyes and realize how much you’ve done, all the little tasks that add up, all the big tasks that get taken for granted. Think about the things that absolutely have to get done – did you do them? Did you get them done with some help from friends or family? I bet you did. I bet everyone’s okay, healthy, probably even happy. And if something did not get done, realize that maybe that’s okay. Realize that maybe not everything has to be done today. Realize that some things are okay to leave undone in order to make room for your passions. Give yourself a break, and for Heaven’s sake, stop feeling guilty. 

The Benefits of Saying “no”

The boys head out to "dig coal"
(Alternate title: The boys head out to get
chased by "evil" geese)

Sometimes saying “no” is exactly the correct thing to say to your children. It is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to say to them, particularly when they pester and beg and pull out every trick from their “Being a kid” manual. It’s that sneaky book that children memorized before they were even born. You know the one - that one that we never receive a copy of for navigating this whole parenting experiment. Recently I’ve had the chance to see when saying “no” to my kids can be for their and my benefit.

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with kiddo number three, and this pregnancy is not nearly as friendly as my first two. The summer has been sweltering AND rainy AND stressful. The garden is a forest of weeds. It has been one of THOSE summers. There have been days where, despite knowing what I ought to do as a mother for my children, I just feel like curling up and binge watching Poldark while they watch PBS Kids or Craig of the Creek. It has not been my finest hour.

Within the past few weeks I’ve been trying a new tactic with my boys. It hasn’t been easy, but I think it’s helping us to transition to a healthier routine. A while back I created an activities chart. The boys must complete their tasks BEFORE they are allowed to use screens – no TV, Xbox, Nintendo Switch, or tablet, until the list is completed.

This chart has not made me popular with
the boys, but they are being much friendlier
and less insistant on screen time
since we started using it.

Most days they’ve continued to ask for screens first thing in the morning and repeatedly during the day, but I’ve stuck to my decision and said “no.” In the past few days, they’ve finally, FINALLY stopped asking first thing for TV. Today they even went outside to play for a bit before breakfast. Enough tasks on the list has translated to more time playing and interacting and less time staring at screens. They often do not complete all of their tasks until 4pm or later. Since all screens are off for family dinner, they are self-limiting their screen time to 1-2 hours maximum.*

Homework: My 3yo works on a dry-erase
Early Learning book tracing and doodling

Homework: My soon-to-be 3rd grader works
on pages in Brain Quest or packets that his
2nd grade teachers sent home for the summer

We’re fighting less, and I’m finding time for my own projects - tending the garden and writing Morning Pages and this blog - while they work on their activities list. I feel less overwhelmed and have more time to get things done. They are playing together and collaborating on silly, creative projects (like “digging for coal or treasure” and puppet shows), and their attitude has greatly improved. They’re talking back and rolling their eyes less and are volunteering to help out more. The change has been painfully slow at times, but I think we’re finally seeing progress.

Morning Pages: This is my current notebook
for writing each morning. I try to squeeze in 3
pages before the day begins. 

It’s easy to say “no” to our kids when they are about to step into a dangerous situation – a hot pan on the stove, a busy parking lot. When it’s something that can seem innocuous like using screens, it can be A LOT more difficult. We’re still not perfectly within the latest recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, but we’re getting closer. If you’re struggling with this topic at home, you are NOT alone. It can take a lot more effort to say “no,” but kids benefit from face-to-face interactions, physical activity, feeling like they’re an important contributor to the family unit, and they even get better sleep at night when we say “no” to unlimited, mindless screen time and “yes” to healthy activities.  

*I allow them up to 30 minutes of video game time daily and then TV or a movie. Some days they play video games longer if they’re sharing well or are playing educational games, but generally I try to limit it.

For more info:

American Academy of Pediatrics

More on Morning Pages: 

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron