In lieu of Morning Pages

Today I didn’t have time to write my morning pages. There were animals to feed and more pressing matters. So this will be the ramblings of a somewhat unsettled mind. Heads up. 

 

I’ve been thinking lately a bit about the meaning of life or rather what it means to be alive. So often we don’t really consider the first words Jesus asked two disciples who started following him, “What do you want?” [John 1:35-39].

 

He didn’t ask them what they needed at that moment or what other people thought about them or about their situation. He didn’t ask them what their families’ expectations were or what their teachers and mentors had encouraged them to pursue. He didn’t ask them to study law or medicine or engineering. He didn’t start with the answer which He already actually knew. He asked them what they wanted. 

 

When they called him Rabbi/teacher and asked where He was staying, He simply instructed them to come along and see. 

 

It’s a short section of the first chapter of John and could be glossed over as rather insignificant. I suspect, however, that it is critically important. I tend to believe that the Bible is like an intricate tapestry. No thread is unimportant, no detail there by chance. It matters where our minds and hearts are. It matters what we want in our walk with Christ. We can come and see and follow and develop what we want by discovering what God wants for us.

 

Being alive in the biological sense is something far less than actually living a sentient, meaningful existence. That’s why some of us choose to make Living Wills and give our loved ones instruction on what to do in the event of a “being alive” and prolonging inevitable death, vs. actually living situation. Living a life worth living matters.

 

I think often we are given purpose, and, in our hearts and minds, this purpose is what we want for ourselves when we are younger and less influenced by others in this world. It is easy to place too much importance on the desires of well-intentioned parents or mentors and not enough importance on the inner voice guided by God. The tug of war is knowing the difference between selfish wants and purpose-driven, living type wants. When we give ourselves over to the Lord’s plan, we can often rediscover this purpose type want and come into alignment. We get a chance to come and see what is intended and beautifully created for each of us.   

 

Ramble over for today. Go seek and live your life that’s worth living.

Overwhelm: What I do about it

I know there are a lot of resources out there for stress and depression and even overwhelm, but I didn’t want to leave a post up complaining about an issue I’m having without also sharing what I do personally to cope. Luckily today I’m having a solid 8.5 out of 10 day, so I can share some of my tool kit. In no particular order, here are some of the things that help me stay sane:

 

1.    Maintain good sleep hygiene: The amount of sleep one needs varies from person to person, but I don’t feel like I can face the world unless I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Unfortunately, I often have interrupted sleep and unintentionally biphasic sleep. I also have plenty of nights where I simply don’t get enough. A few tricks that help me are to read an actual, physical book while falling asleep – something fascinating but not enthralling, turn lamps down low, stop cellphone and television use at least an hour before bed, and cover my alarm clock numbers with a sleep mask to create darkness in my room. These don’t give me perfect sleep regularity, but they help.

 

2.    Keep my digital calendar and physical planner up to date: I prefer to use both my Google calendar and a Panda Planner. On my digital calendar I color code for medical appointments, birthdays, work appointments, church commitments, and kids’ activities. If it’s not in my calendar, it doesn’t exist. Writing it down and backing it up for access on the go helps me to reduce the anxiety that I might miss something or drop the ball. 

 

3.   Practice gratitude: This might be taking a moment to pray and thank the Lord for something simple: a hot cup of coffee, a glimpse of a Gold Finch or the little Downy Woodpecker that haunts the dead trees off the front porch, the time to take an uninterrupted hot shower. It can also take the form of writing a little note of gratitude in my Panda Planner, or it can be something a bit more long-form if I find time to write my Morning Pages. Taking time, no matter what is not going right in life, to remember what IS going well, helps to keep me mentally balanced and focused.

 

4.   Acknowledge and nurture my artistic self: I believe that each of us is unique and has certain parts of the self that make us tick. When we deny these parts, we wilt inside and cease to be as intended. We devolve into a lesser version of ourselves. The awareness, whether conscious or subconscious, of this lack or loss left me feeling anxious, dissatisfied, hungry, for years. When I do not make or create or acknowledge the need to do so, I feel as if there is a watcher just beyond my peripheral spying on me. There’s a niggling sense of need, a constipation of spirit. When I don’t take time to allow my artist self to play or to escape into my work, even if just for a short time, on a regular basis, I feel deep seated anxiety and cannot cope with the other tasks on my to do list. My husband has supported me in devoting more time to creating, and that makes a world of difference. It isn’t an indulgence but rather a very real necessity.

 

This leads me to my last tool to share for today.

 

5.   Triage: I have to sort the priorities in my life and the lives of my children. This means that I need to not operate in a reactive mode but rather a mode of careful consideration. Routines where appropriate can help reduce decision fatigue, and for the rest I make case by case decisions. It is en vogue for modern families to buy in meals and prioritize sports, dance, and other youth activities, and I have no criticism if that works for other families. It doesn’t work for me, so I choose to live our life at a somewhat slower pace, prioritizing relationships and time on the homestead. I am learning to say, “No,” when the activity offered doesn’t fit in with what we’ve identified as our priorities. It’s a process.

 

What daily rituals or “tools” do you keep in your kit for dealing with overwhelm?          

Overwhelm

On the risk of sounding a bit like I’m whining, my topic this week is overwhelm. I realize that I live a privileged existence here in a first world country, but despite that I still suffer occasionally from overwhelm. This past weekend I was truly under the weather on Sunday. I’m not sure if I caught a stomach bug or if it was the Boston Crème doughnut I ate on Saturday (bakery to remain unnamed), but I felt a bit like death warmed over. Luckily my husband had the day off and was able to pitch in and help out despite also being pretty tired from his six-day work week. On Monday morning I felt somewhat better, and I managed to get out of bed at a reasonable hour. I even wrote my Morning Pages. In my stream of consciousness writing, I found myself mentally sorting through all the projects, paperwork, and plans, that I have going. 

 

Around 7:30am I transitioned to getting the kids up and fed. My father very sweetly stopped by a little after 8am to check on me to see how I was doing. It’s fairly standard for us to check in around that time in the morning to discuss our plans for the day, so it wasn’t as if his visit was unexpected. He began to talk about our small herd of cattle that are living on a neighbor’s farm. The plan is to move most of them here soon, so that said neighbor can start his own herd again. We have amazing friends who are helping us out with this project, so I don’t actually have much firsthand involvement. Regardless, it suddenly felt like one more project was being piled on, and I had missed a deadline already. It was sort of like those recurring nightmares I have where I show up to a mathematics class at university and all the homework assignments are due at end of term the next day, but I haven’t completed any. And it wasn’t a project that I started or had any say or decision-making power about really. Anxiety welled up.

 

I burst into tears. 

 

My poor dad came over and gave me a hug. He had zero idea of what I’d already been mentally juggling in that moment, and he’s got quite a few things on his own plate. We’re both still reeling from the loss of my mom to cancer complications last July. Her birthday is at the end of this month. Throughout the course of the day and several additional chats, I started to feel better bit by bit. Several things helped me, and now on Tuesday I feel like I *may* actually be able to tackle what I would like to achieve this season on the homestead and in my life. I think in many respects the anxiety and overwhelm came in no small part from feeling like I have projects to complete in support of others and that I am sometimes asked to de-prioritize the projects that are near and dear to my heart. When I feel overwhelmed, the suggestion often offered is to do less in the garden or to not worry so much about making my artwork. These aren’t actual solutions, but I’ll talk a bit about that in my next post. For now, I’m being patient with myself and remembering to chip away at my goals “bird by bird,” as Anne Lamott put it. I’ve sussed out a few things that help me to avoid or cope with overwhelm, so I’ll share those with you next time.

 

Be well. Be blessed. And remember to be patient with yourself.   

The Benefits of Saying “no”

The boys head out to "dig coal"
(Alternate title: The boys head out to get
chased by "evil" geese)

Sometimes saying “no” is exactly the correct thing to say to your children. It is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to say to them, particularly when they pester and beg and pull out every trick from their “Being a kid” manual. It’s that sneaky book that children memorized before they were even born. You know the one - that one that we never receive a copy of for navigating this whole parenting experiment. Recently I’ve had the chance to see when saying “no” to my kids can be for their and my benefit.

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with kiddo number three, and this pregnancy is not nearly as friendly as my first two. The summer has been sweltering AND rainy AND stressful. The garden is a forest of weeds. It has been one of THOSE summers. There have been days where, despite knowing what I ought to do as a mother for my children, I just feel like curling up and binge watching Poldark while they watch PBS Kids or Craig of the Creek. It has not been my finest hour.

Within the past few weeks I’ve been trying a new tactic with my boys. It hasn’t been easy, but I think it’s helping us to transition to a healthier routine. A while back I created an activities chart. The boys must complete their tasks BEFORE they are allowed to use screens – no TV, Xbox, Nintendo Switch, or tablet, until the list is completed.

This chart has not made me popular with
the boys, but they are being much friendlier
and less insistant on screen time
since we started using it.

Most days they’ve continued to ask for screens first thing in the morning and repeatedly during the day, but I’ve stuck to my decision and said “no.” In the past few days, they’ve finally, FINALLY stopped asking first thing for TV. Today they even went outside to play for a bit before breakfast. Enough tasks on the list has translated to more time playing and interacting and less time staring at screens. They often do not complete all of their tasks until 4pm or later. Since all screens are off for family dinner, they are self-limiting their screen time to 1-2 hours maximum.*

Homework: My 3yo works on a dry-erase
Early Learning book tracing and doodling

Homework: My soon-to-be 3rd grader works
on pages in Brain Quest or packets that his
2nd grade teachers sent home for the summer

We’re fighting less, and I’m finding time for my own projects - tending the garden and writing Morning Pages and this blog - while they work on their activities list. I feel less overwhelmed and have more time to get things done. They are playing together and collaborating on silly, creative projects (like “digging for coal or treasure” and puppet shows), and their attitude has greatly improved. They’re talking back and rolling their eyes less and are volunteering to help out more. The change has been painfully slow at times, but I think we’re finally seeing progress.

Morning Pages: This is my current notebook
for writing each morning. I try to squeeze in 3
pages before the day begins. 

It’s easy to say “no” to our kids when they are about to step into a dangerous situation – a hot pan on the stove, a busy parking lot. When it’s something that can seem innocuous like using screens, it can be A LOT more difficult. We’re still not perfectly within the latest recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, but we’re getting closer. If you’re struggling with this topic at home, you are NOT alone. It can take a lot more effort to say “no,” but kids benefit from face-to-face interactions, physical activity, feeling like they’re an important contributor to the family unit, and they even get better sleep at night when we say “no” to unlimited, mindless screen time and “yes” to healthy activities.  

*I allow them up to 30 minutes of video game time daily and then TV or a movie. Some days they play video games longer if they’re sharing well or are playing educational games, but generally I try to limit it.

For more info:

American Academy of Pediatrics

More on Morning Pages: 

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron